this is for Ashley

Ashley did this middle name thing. Basically, I have to come up with a word that represents me and give a brief description of why I chose that word. I think this is how it works.

Here goes nothin...

R - Respect?
I try to treat people with the respect that they deserve. I accept people for who they are, and for the most part, I try and let them know that. I find myself rather annoyed when I dont get the respect or dignity that I think I need. We are put on this earth, not to condemn, but to love. I respect the beliefs and lifestyles of others and I love you for who you are.

E - Environmentalist
I know we can all save the environment and I will tell you every chance I get. Whether it has to do with saving on electricity or water, or saving plastic bags and recycling paper... you will hear it from me!

N - "No!"
This word rarely comes out of my mouth. I am so afraid of letting people down and disappointing myself that the word "no" is hardly uttered from my lips. I often know when people are using me and walking all over me, but somehow I cannot confront them about this. Instead, the perception I have of you is forever altered.

E - Extrovert
I thrive off the energy from my surrounding people. I have social anxiety, but I enjoy being in public. I am hardly an introvert. At times you can find me merely sitting in the midst of people... just never a large crowd.

Ok done! I am tagging 2 people just as Ashley did. I say that NYKKI AND CARLA have to do this. HA!

No longer an old fogie...

Life has been fairly intense lately. I work a lot. And to be quite honest, I have felt like a failure. A lot of people keep asking me what classes i am taking and how can i juggle school and work. I hate telling them that I am not in class right now. I hate telling people I am probably going back in the spring. I really dont know that at all. I dont know anything actually.
I hate feeling as if my world could have been a lot different if I had stayed in GA. Or had I stayed in school. Or gone to Guilford. I am so thankful I have come to Birmingham. I am so blessed with great friends. But honestly, I still wonder. I wont pretend that I dont wonder.
I guess I dont consider myself a failure as much as I am a little disappointed in myself. The other day in starbucks, a friend of mine was telling two people to not worry about their future and their major because I was 22 and STILL didnt know what I wanted to do. I want to be happy. Thats what I want to do. I want to live care free and be happy. I want to take each day by the horns. I want to do the best I can at everything that I put effort towards. Thats my goal in life. It took a lot of guts for me to stop and breathe for a little while. And to be honest, again, I am proud of myself.
I have avoided most situations that result in anxiety attacks. I am avoiding friends and people who cause anxiety attacks. I am living a little more spontaneously and I love it all.

In fact, Marty and Andrew and I took off Thursday night for Marietta. We stayed in a hotel and just lived on the edge for a bit. "This is going to seperate us from being old fogies and young and spontaneous," Marty said. So we did it. We left for Marietta at 10:30 Thursday night and laughed for roughly 24 straight hours. It was remarkable. It was so awesome to see, in front of me, two of my awesome friends. Sure we laughed a lot, but they are highly supportive people and it was so incredible to see that in action.

The support and tangibilty of friendships has been highly present lately. I like it a lot. I like have that blessing of friendship that I can actually see.

So lately, I have been blessed and stressed. I have felt like a failure and succeeded all at the same time. I have gotten the sense of letting myself down. And at the same time. I feel as if I have grown so much as a person.

so tonight...

was so exhilerating. I do this awful thing where I wait for people to call me. And I think I wait for the people that I want to call to invite me to do something. I think I have been taking friendships for granted. Lately, I have been telling myself that I would not put off friends. I told myself that I would follow through with things. Because of that, tonight was amazing. Nykki and I had dinner at Als. Well, I ate, she watched. We laughed, we talked, we ran some errands. We went to the summit. We went and dropped something off at Marty's. Then, we all decided we wanted Sonic. OMG... it was amazing. We all laughed so much. It just one of those spur of the moment amazing times. And I loved every minute of it. If I have one goal for september... or life in general, it is to live life more freely. take opportunites when they come to pick me up. I am loving life. I am loving my friends. And as time goes on, I slowly remember why I am so hapy to be in Birmingham. A part of me still wants to leave, but a part of me knows how much I want to stay.

Also... on the topic of self discovery, I have decided to compile short excerpts about myself and personal narratives. Dont call it an autobiography. Call it self essays.

i am so happy. perhaps it is the 300+ mg of caffiene talking. perhaps it is the fact that for the first time in a very long while, i feel totally comfortable with where i am in life. i went to lunch last thursday with a very old friend. she assured me that being anxious about the future is not worthwhile. she assured me that where ever i go, where ever i end up, Christ is already there. i think, inside, i already knew that. but it was nice to hear it. it was nice to feel that sense of comfort.
so i have felt at peace. lately, i have felt as if i may have an anxiety disorder. but now, i don't really feel that. i feel happiness. i feel love. i feel joy. i know that joy is not an emotion. it is a kind of eternal feeling. even with anger and hatred and saddness, joy still exists. and i actually feel that now. it is amazing.
life has been nice for a while. i am content. sarah and i went to see eisley. we went to dinner with my parents. they were remarkable. eisley was remarkable. i bought a bike. it is great. i started a quilt. it is out of ties and some fabric my grandmother gave me.
all in all... i am living every day. i am looking for ways to glorify God. and i am happy!

yesterday was remarkable

yesterday started with a phone call to my mom. I told her about my anxiety. I told her I needed to see someone. She agrred and said that perhaps I just need to talk to someone. All of my friends claim to be there when I need to talk, but none of them really listen. She made the point that perhas they dont know how to listen or how to respond. So she said she would pull some strings and find someone in Birmingham for me to talk to. I am just so tired of being tense all the time. I have felt like this since October. I am tired of being tired. So I am going to talk to someone and get to the root of this. She also made the point that sometimes I just need to do something for myself. I agreed. I thanked her, said "I love you" and hung up.
I was off to lunch with Nykki and Vic. I kind of ditched them, unintentionally, on Monday. So I agreed to lunch at the HUC. It was so much fun. we started talking about how much we love antiques and I mentioned this awesome Antique shop in Marietta. Vic said, "let's go." We all kind of laughed. It was silent for a little while, then we ran to the car and left. Vic skipped class. Nykki just didnt do a project. And we all got in the car and left.

The excitment died for a moment or two. We had to drop off our cars, get cameras, and make our way to the interstate. When we got on I-20. the adrenaline was back. AHHHH. we were so impulsive. I had not been that impulsive in so long. I needed it.
Vic squealed because there was a motorcycle. He hates them because he is afraid we are going to run it over. He kept making eye contact with Vic. Then... he started doing tricks - on the interstate. Oh my Heavens it was creepy. He would stand up, lie on his stomach. I was afraid for his life. By pell city, we lost him.

Not long after that, we stopped in Anniston to score some caffiene at the Anniston Starbucks. Then... we were on the home stretch to Marietta. I gave Vic and Nykki the tour. I showed them where I live, we drove by my highschool, then we stopped and talked to my mom. We were off to the Antique store. Holy crap - it was gone. We found another, and then we were off to the Avenue. I needed a shirt. Some nasty crap ended up on mine. So we stopped at the GAP. Mom said she would take us to dinner, so we did that.

Then we wanted to go to Lenox mall. We got directions at we were off. Vic and I had to pee like crazy so we found the bathrooms in bloomingdales before we could do anything. We arrived and realized we only had 30 minutes to shop. Every where we went, stores were closed. Vic's heart was broken. I felt so bad. But we laughed a lot and had a lot of fun. Even though there wasnt much shopping.

So we drove around Buckhead for a little while and got back on the interstate. I had to stop at QT and get some gas. I made my dad pay for it because he didnt want to go to dinner with us. jerk. When we finally made our way to the interstate, we approached a dead standstill in traffic. That is when things got exciting. Vic took off his clothes - everything but his underwear. I could not stop laughing. we took so many pictures of vic in his underwear and vic in my jacket. He was going to climb out of the car but there was a woman with a child behind us.

We finally made our way to I-20. Nykki reminded us that we had to stop and get some lotto tickets. I spent 5 bucks on some lotto tickets. I got two tickets and 5 dollars. Ha. then I got nothing. Nykki won some and so did Vic. we cashed in and the guy told us that he had to close down. UGH. So we got BACK on the interstate and drove to a better one. We went all the way down, passed it, and had to drive 8 miles to the next exit, turn around, and drive 8 miles back. It was 11 30 in Birmingham by now, and this was the must exciting 12 hours I have had in a long time. So we stopped at the Shell station and picked up some more. We started with the dollar tickets and we jumped straight in to the 20 dollar tickets. we would win, we would lose, we would convince Nykki to buy more. Vic lost 20 dollars. I only lost ten. Nykki spent a LOT of money, but ended up winning it all back plus 40 dollars. So after an hour in Shell, a picture with the workers, and making Nykki buy us snacks... we were off - for real. We headed the 100 miles home.
We got back to Birmingham about 1:40. This was one of the best days ever. I felt anxious free. I felt ambitious and care free. I needed it and I would not have picked any one else to go with. I would not have changed anything (except maybe an extra hour our so at Lenox) about yesterday. We all learned so much about each other. We shared stories. We laughed. No one cried. And we bonded.

I went to sloss today.

i have had a lot of built up energy. I went to sloss to break some stuff. I dont know whats wrong. Honestly, I think I have anxiety problems. I think that exlains being tired, tension and the sleep walking. regardless... i went to sloss and took pictures and broke some glass...Sloss is so beautiful.

I think this walk way is gorgeous. I dont know why I like all the pipes and the wooden walk way. But I do.

Will gave me a glass from starbucks that was cracked.

I really did enjoy the day. I still have a lot of anxiousness but I dont know how to get rid of it. I was going to paint on the roof and be destructive, but it is raining so nevermind that. I have been chewing a lot of gum instead.

So much has happened.

I haven't written in quite some time. A lot has been going on though.

Matt and Carla got married last night and it was the prettiest wedding I have ever been to. Seeing two of your best friends glorifying God was so amazing. Marriage is such a great expression of the Love Christ has for us. I know they love each other so much and their wedding is going to be so blessed. I am so excited for them. When Carla walked down the aisle, matt was glowing. It made me smile. We prayed over the two of them, and that is when I started to cry a little. It was a beautiful wedding. remarkable bride and groom. remarkable wedding.

I am exhausted. I went to bed and woke up at 12:30. Holy crap. I have never slet this much in my life. I really think i may need to get something checked out. i used to sleep 8 hours and wake up. now i sleep 12 hours if i can and want to go back to bed. ugh.

i need some lunch.

my new rental car is awesome...

seriously. it is awesome.
all of the rental cars in birmingham are taken. seriously. all they have left is this awesome 2007 Dodge Ram. It may be the biggest car EVER!
It is honestly twice as big as my pathfinder. it could eat c small child OR a car!

look...

i danced a lot.

I hope you know...

I have had an interesting day. I started with amazing, but then i realized it was just the way i felt right now. Interesting sums up the day. Amazing sums up my attitude as of this moment.
The day started with a text message at 5:20. Sri asked where I was meeting him this morning for work. The parking lot? or the alley next to the store? I told him and sprung out of bed. My alarm did not go off this morning, so I now had ten minutes to get ready and to the store. Apparently Sri forgot it was Saturday and got to the store at 4:55. whoops. I was a little late because I could not find my keys. So we opened up quickly, laughed a lot, and just had a grand ol' time. It was a great day. Positive morale in the morning kind of sets the tone for the rest of the day. Kind of.So Marty, at work, decides that he wants a camera like mine as well. Granted, he has several, and he will probably never touch it after a week. So, I told him that I would go to Best Buy with him and to the Birmingham Museum of Art with him and Megan. Before I could do that, I needed a case for my camera. So I called Andrew and asked him if he wanted to go with me. It took him a long time to call me back but he agreed to do so. I told him I would drive. I didn't know how my wrecked car would handle the rain, but I wanted to know and I wanted someone to be there. I didnt tell him that, I just said I would drive. Well, turns out it doesn't drive well. First, my passenger side door doesnt open. Then, something is rubbing up against the tire and made them lock up. Awesome.
Regardless, I got the case and a new card, and I headed home. In the car, Andrew confessed that he wished he had never stayed this summer. He thinks that he stayed for dumb reasons. While I understnad where he is coming from, at the same time, I kept feeling crappy. I wasnt a reason he stayed. I wasnt a reason he wanted to leave. I was nothing. I didnt plug in to the equation at all. It never crossed his mind. Nothing did. And somehow, that tends to make things worse. When you get your heart hurt but people dont know it. I shouldnt have felt this bad, but I did.
I got home and sulked. Marty made sure I was still coming. The museum was so great.

I enjoyed it tremendously even though Megan and Marty kind of kept wandering off and leaving me. We continued on to Best Buy and to World Market where I got left again. Finally, we made it home.
I wont go in to details, but I was lied to a couple of times. The thing is, I dont really care what you are doing or where you are going. I hate being lied to. More than anything, I hate KNOWING that I am being lied to. Then, on top of that, trying to cover your lie. I would rather you never mention it then to justify or fix your lie. Especially, when it is uneccessary to begin with.
So I sat at home for a while and made some dinner. I ate and just kind of lounged around.
After a while, Jerett and I both got very bored. We kept trying to come up with things to do. Ohio and the beach got ruled out quickly. The Park and Oak Mountain didnt last long. Then Jerett decided on the Cheesecake Factory. Amazing choice I must say. We got there and had to wait for a long time, but we just talked and caught up. All we wanted was cheesecake. Eventually, after maybe 45 minutes to an hour, we were seated.
We decided on our cheesecake and both of us got a drink. It was great. No one ever called and asked us what we were doing. No one seemed to acknowledge the fact that we were gone, but that didnt seem to bother us until it his 10:10 and we had been gone for roughly two and a half hours.
So we made a decision to find new friends. The ones we have now dont seem to match our standards, obviously, so we are working on new ones.

With all that being said, hanging out with Jerett was a lot of fun. Cheesecake was superb. Coffee Kahlua was yummy. And now I feel Amazing

My About Me Book...

Ashley convinced me to make an About Me Scrapbook kind of thing.
I like it a lot. I tried to branch out and embellish it but I wasnt very successful.

Oh Crappy day...

this is what my car looks like now. I went to get it check out. They said they couldnt give me an estimate until I knew what the insurance people said. great. I asked the guy if he could just look at it. He said it was probably totaled. YAY! This sucks. I cant drive very far on this car. I doubt I get a new car because the cost of getting a new car is far more than getting it fixed on our own. so piss. I want to say a lot of bad words. just look...

I have a white robe.

Ashley and I are sitting here discussing the bible. I miss discussions. I think I want to start a in depth study with a few friends. While I love reading myself, i think that often times we learn by feeding off of each other.

I was telling Ashley one of my favorite verses. Revelation 7 paints an amazing picture of heaven. Paul describes the tribes and nations standing before the throne of God singing praises to their savior.

After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands; and they cry out with a loud voice, saying, "Salvation to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures; and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying, "Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever Amen."Then one of the elders answered, saying to me, "These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they, and where have they come from?"I said to him, "My lord, you know." And he said to me, "These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. For this reason, they are before the throne of God; and they serve Him day and night in His temple; and He who sits on the throne will spread His tabernacle over them."They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

When I first read this passage, I imagined everyone in heaven shouting these words. It sounded beautiful in my head. The only thing that was wrong: It was all in English. When I was in Costa Rica, at church, people were singing praises in Spanish. People were singing praises in English. It sounded chaotic. It sounded glorious. I loved it. That's what heaven will be: A Beautiful Chaos!

I am looking forward to it. As Ashley and I continued to talk about it, she mentioned how God is constant communication with us. I think I forget that sometimes. I think I forget that God is always trying to reach for me. I think I forget to answer when he calls me. Sometimes, I just dont hear my phone ringing. Sometime I know my phone is ringing and I just don't have time. Is it possible that I do the same thing with God. Maybe I just dont make time for God. Why don't I? What is keeping me from the constant communication that I should be striving for? What is keeping me from the worship I could be having?

Do i forget that Christ has washed my robe white? I still struggle with anxiety attacks. I just keep it pretty quiet. But I forget that I don't need to struggle. I forget that God has things worked out for me. While the unknown scares me half to death, I know that everything I do will be for the glory of God. I know that everything I do is to better his kingdom. I know everything i do SHOULD be to better his kingdom. The sun will not beat down on me. That is awesome. So what makes me so anxious. Besides the obvious. What makes me so worried about the unknown. What makes me uneasy with the thought that God knows and I dont.

Perhaps I should tattoo this verse on my wrist. Perhaps I should look at this every day and remind myself that with Christ, I no longer have to be thirsty. I dont have to hunger. The sun doesnt beat down on me. He has washed my robe clean and the tears have been wiped from my eyes. My God is fair and just. And while I struggle like every other human being, maybe I just dont have to do it alone.

A bit of rambling

Today has definitly been quite an eventful one. It started with delaying my alarm. when it went off the second time, i jumped out of bed and quickly got dressed. I got in my car and forgot that it was so jacked up. I remembered when I went to turn left and my car made a horrendous noise.

work was nice though. Matt is handing over the reigns of his summer success captain hood. So Sri and I had a metting to discuss things. While I love responsibilty, it stresses me out at the same time. I feel like I have so many personal errands I need to run and now I have a lot of work related errands. My wreck kind of ruined things though.

I want to go on a road trip. I know this is random, but I really want to take a few weeks out and just drive. I wish gas wasn't so expensive. But seriously, I think I may take some time out. I want to go up to Seattle and Portland. It is such a perfect time of the year.

look at that. it is amazing.

Andrew and I talked about going on a road trip. He doesnt have time. In reality, I dont really have time either. It is nice to pretend though. I am a pretender.

I think I am going to buy a new camera. Canon PowerShot

See. Look How pretty.

I am just tired of a bulky camera. I think I would take more pictures if I had one for convenience. So seriously, I know it seems follish and a waste, but I may get it soon.

My foot hurts. I think it is a little swollen. I need to go get it checked out again. It was starting to feel okay and then the wreck really hurt it again. Everyone says it isnt swollen, but i think it is. I can't even move my toes very well.

I get to hang out with Dusti tomorrow. I haven't seen her in a while. I do feel awkward sometimes though. Like maybe she is mad because I am such good friends with Carla. I am sure she isn't. Maybe it is self consciousness. Regardless... I have missed her.

lovely.

That is all for right now. Oh... and I think I am going to start my full quilt tomorrow. It is gonna rock!