No longer an old fogie...

Life has been fairly intense lately. I work a lot. And to be quite honest, I have felt like a failure. A lot of people keep asking me what classes i am taking and how can i juggle school and work. I hate telling them that I am not in class right now. I hate telling people I am probably going back in the spring. I really dont know that at all. I dont know anything actually.
I hate feeling as if my world could have been a lot different if I had stayed in GA. Or had I stayed in school. Or gone to Guilford. I am so thankful I have come to Birmingham. I am so blessed with great friends. But honestly, I still wonder. I wont pretend that I dont wonder.
I guess I dont consider myself a failure as much as I am a little disappointed in myself. The other day in starbucks, a friend of mine was telling two people to not worry about their future and their major because I was 22 and STILL didnt know what I wanted to do. I want to be happy. Thats what I want to do. I want to live care free and be happy. I want to take each day by the horns. I want to do the best I can at everything that I put effort towards. Thats my goal in life. It took a lot of guts for me to stop and breathe for a little while. And to be honest, again, I am proud of myself.
I have avoided most situations that result in anxiety attacks. I am avoiding friends and people who cause anxiety attacks. I am living a little more spontaneously and I love it all.

In fact, Marty and Andrew and I took off Thursday night for Marietta. We stayed in a hotel and just lived on the edge for a bit. "This is going to seperate us from being old fogies and young and spontaneous," Marty said. So we did it. We left for Marietta at 10:30 Thursday night and laughed for roughly 24 straight hours. It was remarkable. It was so awesome to see, in front of me, two of my awesome friends. Sure we laughed a lot, but they are highly supportive people and it was so incredible to see that in action.

The support and tangibilty of friendships has been highly present lately. I like it a lot. I like have that blessing of friendship that I can actually see.

So lately, I have been blessed and stressed. I have felt like a failure and succeeded all at the same time. I have gotten the sense of letting myself down. And at the same time. I feel as if I have grown so much as a person.

so tonight...

was so exhilerating. I do this awful thing where I wait for people to call me. And I think I wait for the people that I want to call to invite me to do something. I think I have been taking friendships for granted. Lately, I have been telling myself that I would not put off friends. I told myself that I would follow through with things. Because of that, tonight was amazing. Nykki and I had dinner at Als. Well, I ate, she watched. We laughed, we talked, we ran some errands. We went to the summit. We went and dropped something off at Marty's. Then, we all decided we wanted Sonic. OMG... it was amazing. We all laughed so much. It just one of those spur of the moment amazing times. And I loved every minute of it. If I have one goal for september... or life in general, it is to live life more freely. take opportunites when they come to pick me up. I am loving life. I am loving my friends. And as time goes on, I slowly remember why I am so hapy to be in Birmingham. A part of me still wants to leave, but a part of me knows how much I want to stay.

Also... on the topic of self discovery, I have decided to compile short excerpts about myself and personal narratives. Dont call it an autobiography. Call it self essays.