i am so happy. perhaps it is the 300+ mg of caffiene talking. perhaps it is the fact that for the first time in a very long while, i feel totally comfortable with where i am in life. i went to lunch last thursday with a very old friend. she assured me that being anxious about the future is not worthwhile. she assured me that where ever i go, where ever i end up, Christ is already there. i think, inside, i already knew that. but it was nice to hear it. it was nice to feel that sense of comfort.
so i have felt at peace. lately, i have felt as if i may have an anxiety disorder. but now, i don't really feel that. i feel happiness. i feel love. i feel joy. i know that joy is not an emotion. it is a kind of eternal feeling. even with anger and hatred and saddness, joy still exists. and i actually feel that now. it is amazing.
life has been nice for a while. i am content. sarah and i went to see eisley. we went to dinner with my parents. they were remarkable. eisley was remarkable. i bought a bike. it is great. i started a quilt. it is out of ties and some fabric my grandmother gave me.
all in all... i am living every day. i am looking for ways to glorify God. and i am happy!

yesterday was remarkable

yesterday started with a phone call to my mom. I told her about my anxiety. I told her I needed to see someone. She agrred and said that perhaps I just need to talk to someone. All of my friends claim to be there when I need to talk, but none of them really listen. She made the point that perhas they dont know how to listen or how to respond. So she said she would pull some strings and find someone in Birmingham for me to talk to. I am just so tired of being tense all the time. I have felt like this since October. I am tired of being tired. So I am going to talk to someone and get to the root of this. She also made the point that sometimes I just need to do something for myself. I agreed. I thanked her, said "I love you" and hung up.
I was off to lunch with Nykki and Vic. I kind of ditched them, unintentionally, on Monday. So I agreed to lunch at the HUC. It was so much fun. we started talking about how much we love antiques and I mentioned this awesome Antique shop in Marietta. Vic said, "let's go." We all kind of laughed. It was silent for a little while, then we ran to the car and left. Vic skipped class. Nykki just didnt do a project. And we all got in the car and left.

The excitment died for a moment or two. We had to drop off our cars, get cameras, and make our way to the interstate. When we got on I-20. the adrenaline was back. AHHHH. we were so impulsive. I had not been that impulsive in so long. I needed it.
Vic squealed because there was a motorcycle. He hates them because he is afraid we are going to run it over. He kept making eye contact with Vic. Then... he started doing tricks - on the interstate. Oh my Heavens it was creepy. He would stand up, lie on his stomach. I was afraid for his life. By pell city, we lost him.

Not long after that, we stopped in Anniston to score some caffiene at the Anniston Starbucks. Then... we were on the home stretch to Marietta. I gave Vic and Nykki the tour. I showed them where I live, we drove by my highschool, then we stopped and talked to my mom. We were off to the Antique store. Holy crap - it was gone. We found another, and then we were off to the Avenue. I needed a shirt. Some nasty crap ended up on mine. So we stopped at the GAP. Mom said she would take us to dinner, so we did that.

Then we wanted to go to Lenox mall. We got directions at we were off. Vic and I had to pee like crazy so we found the bathrooms in bloomingdales before we could do anything. We arrived and realized we only had 30 minutes to shop. Every where we went, stores were closed. Vic's heart was broken. I felt so bad. But we laughed a lot and had a lot of fun. Even though there wasnt much shopping.

So we drove around Buckhead for a little while and got back on the interstate. I had to stop at QT and get some gas. I made my dad pay for it because he didnt want to go to dinner with us. jerk. When we finally made our way to the interstate, we approached a dead standstill in traffic. That is when things got exciting. Vic took off his clothes - everything but his underwear. I could not stop laughing. we took so many pictures of vic in his underwear and vic in my jacket. He was going to climb out of the car but there was a woman with a child behind us.

We finally made our way to I-20. Nykki reminded us that we had to stop and get some lotto tickets. I spent 5 bucks on some lotto tickets. I got two tickets and 5 dollars. Ha. then I got nothing. Nykki won some and so did Vic. we cashed in and the guy told us that he had to close down. UGH. So we got BACK on the interstate and drove to a better one. We went all the way down, passed it, and had to drive 8 miles to the next exit, turn around, and drive 8 miles back. It was 11 30 in Birmingham by now, and this was the must exciting 12 hours I have had in a long time. So we stopped at the Shell station and picked up some more. We started with the dollar tickets and we jumped straight in to the 20 dollar tickets. we would win, we would lose, we would convince Nykki to buy more. Vic lost 20 dollars. I only lost ten. Nykki spent a LOT of money, but ended up winning it all back plus 40 dollars. So after an hour in Shell, a picture with the workers, and making Nykki buy us snacks... we were off - for real. We headed the 100 miles home.
We got back to Birmingham about 1:40. This was one of the best days ever. I felt anxious free. I felt ambitious and care free. I needed it and I would not have picked any one else to go with. I would not have changed anything (except maybe an extra hour our so at Lenox) about yesterday. We all learned so much about each other. We shared stories. We laughed. No one cried. And we bonded.